英美幽默笑话365则

《英美幽默笑话365则》（任义生 主编，世界知识出版社） 176. Irrelevant Answer Mother: I left two pieces of cakes in the cupboard last night and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that? Child: I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other one. 178. Who Should Feel More Ashamed? Judge addresses the man in the courtroom, “Don’t you feel ashamed, coming here for the fourth time?” The man replies, “I’m here for the fourth time—you come every day!” 180. Too Smart for Dad “Young man,” said the angry father from the head of stairs, “didn’t I hear the clock strike four when you brought my daughter in?” “You did,” admitted the boyfriend, “it was going to strike eleven, but I grabbed it and held the gong so it wouldn’t’ disturb you.” The father muttered, “Wonder why I didn’t think of that one in my courting days!” 186. Who Dare Touch My Teeth! The dentist said to the patient, “Don’t be afraid and drink these brandy.” The patient grasped the bottle and drank up the wine quickly. “Are you afraid or not?” the dentist asked. “Afraid?” the patient roared. “Let me see who dare touch my teeth!” 188. A Good Driver A young girl was going on her first date, and the naturally nervous father inquired: “Are you sure this fellow is a good driver?” “Oh, yes,” his daughter replied. “He has to be. One more speeding ticket and he loses his license.” 189. Of Course Teacher: Why do wild geese fly south in the autumn? Pupil: Walking would take too long. 190. Worse Kevin: My wife and I argue a lot. She’s very touchy—the least thing sets her off. Christopher: You’re lucky. Mine is a self-starter. 200. Atheist “My dear, didn’t you tell me that I was your goddess before we married?” “Oh, Anna, now you should see I’m an atheist after we married.” 202. Gallant Effort At a dinner party a shy young man had been trying to think of something nice to say to his hostess. At last he saw his chance when she turned to him and remarked, “What a small appetite you have tonight, Mr. Jones.” “To set next to you,” he replied gallantly, “would cause any man to lose his appetite.” 204. Half Serious Said the reluctant young man, “My girl and I are only half serious about getting married: I am and she isn’t.” 205. Mechanic’s Advice “My advice,” said the mechanic, “is that you keep the oil and change the car.” 211. That’s Nothing “Last week a grain of sand got into my wife’s eye, and she had to go to the doctor,” the married man told his friend, “it cost me 150 pounds.” “That’s nothing,” his friend replied, “last week a cocktail dress got into my wife’s eye, and it cost me 1500 pounds.” 212. Not Tall Enough A traveler stopped at a small hotel and requested the rates for a single room. “A room on the first floor is $ 50, on the second floor, $ 4o, and on the third floor, $ 30,” replied the owner of the hotel. The traveler thought a bit, said thanks and turned to go. “Don’t you like our hotel?” “Oh, it’s beautiful. It just isn’t tall enough.” 215. Girlfriend Mother: What does she like about you? Son: She thinks I’m handsome, smart and talented. Mother: What do you like about her? Son: That she thinks I’m handsome, smart and talented. 219. He Was Busy “And what did m little boy do all day?” “I played postman, Mommy. I put a letter in every mailbox on the block. Real letters, too. I found them in your drawer, tied up in pink ribbon.” 220. Secondhand Wife: honey, I’ll be needing a new fur coat this winter. Husband: Why, you’ve worn that one only two seasons. Wife: Yes, but it was secondhand when I got it—the fox wore it for five years before that. 222. Punishment for Bigamy On an exam in Law School: “What is the punishment for bigamy?” “Two mothers-in-law!” 227. Okay Park keeper (to man in pond): Hey, you! Can’t you see the notice ‘No Swimming’? Man: I’m now swimming, I’m drowning. Park keeper: Oh, that’s all right, then. 228. Obvious Husband: Where has all the grocery money I gave you gone? Wife: Stand sideways and look in the mirror. 234. No Money Student: You look broken up. What’s the matter? Roommate: I wrote home for money for a study lamp. Student: Well? Roommate: They sent a lamp! 235. Tip Man paying cabdriver, “You want a tip as well? I’ll give you a tip—the shortest distance between two points is a straight line!” 238. Full of Energy Prospect (being given a demonstration ride in a used car): Say, what makes it jerk when you put it in gear? Salesman: Ah, that proves it to be a real car. It’s anxious to get started. 240. Marry him Sue loved Steve, but she worried about all the money he squandered when they went out together. “How can I stop Steve from spending so much money on me?” She asked her mother. “Marry him!” 244. It’s Not My Fault Mother (reprimanding her small son): You mustn’t pull the cat’s tail. Son: I’m only holding it, Mom. The cat’s doing the pulling. 245. With Flies Eagle Scout: Did you fish with flies while at camp? Tenderfoot: We sure did! We fished, cooked, ate, slept, and hiked with flies. 246. Helpful Man (in hotel): Boy, run up to room 1209 and see if my briefcase is there. My train leaves in nine minutes. (Eight minutes passed.) Boy (panting): Yes, it’s still there. 254. Saving Matches Tom: Dad, why are you smoking one cigarette after another? Dad: Silly boy, don’t you know I can save some matches in this way? 257. Scholar and Farmer There is the story of a scholar who found himself sharing a seat in a bus with a farmer, and proposed an exchange of riddles to help pass the time. “When I miss a riddle,” suggested the scholar, “I’ll pay you a dollar, but since obviously I’ve had more opportunity than you to acquire knowledge, when you miss a riddle you need pay me only fifty cents.” The farmer nodded agreement, “I have my first riddle ready for you right now,” he said. “What is it that weights 600 pounds on the ground and only 15 pounds when it flies?” “I don’t know,” confessed the scholar. “So here’s my dollar.” “I don’t know either,” admitted the farmer, and handed back fifty cents. 258. He Did “Didn’t I tell you to notice when the soup boiled over?” “I did. It was ten thirty.” 263. His Fault Billy: mother, Bobby broke a window. Mother: How did he do it? Billy: I threw a rock at him and he ducked. 264. Half Time A mother was talking to her little boy. “Now, Billy, you shouldn’t be selfish with your toys. I’ve told you to let your younger brother play with them half the time.” “That’s what I’ve been doing,” said Billy. “I take